Tuesday, May 16, 2006

They came...They saw....They spent money.....



and they tried to poke as many holes in my relationship with MD as they possibly could. Well, the guru did. The Princess just aided and abetted.

The Questions:

"So his family is really blue blood huh?"
"Did he go to a boarding school for bad kids?"
"Do you really think the two of you are compatable?"
"Does he expect to make a living as an actor?"
"Is the real estate gig how he wants to live his life?"
"Do you think his family looks down on how you were raised?"
"Just an observation, but he seems more clingy to you then you are to him."

That last one was really the icing on the shit cake for me.

Lets back up a bit.

The Princess and the Guru, other wise known as my dad and his...girfriend? Who knows what she is, she's married and not to him. Anyway, the guru came up to meet MD and see what my life in the big city was like. That's what I was told, anyway. So I prepared a bunch of excersions to places I thought they make like. The Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Central Park, Dylan's Candy Store, Serindipity, the usual tourist fare, added in with places I like, such as Williamsburg, Coney Island, the lower east side, etc.

The princess was higher maintance then I expected. There was something wrong with just about everything we did...lets see if I can recap

"The boat to the Statue of Liberty was too crowded"
"People were rude at the island and shoving"
"The hotel room is too small (The Algonquin)"
"There's no where to shop in lower Manhattan"
"None of the rides on Coney Island are open"
"The park is too big to walk (east to west)"
"Williamsberg looks sketchy"
"My neighboorhood looks 'rough around the edges'"
"The food here is weird, not what I'm used to, etc."
"I don't understand the menu"
"The wait staff are taking too long"

She was only happy eating chocolate at Sernidipity or spending the Guru's money which she did freely. A trip that was supposed to be a look into my life became about impressing this cold, critical, totaly unavailble woman. I ended up being dragged to Bloomingdales, and Canal Street, following behind the two of them like a shadow. I wondered what the purpose of the Guru's trip to NY really was; to see me, or impress his lady friend?

To give them credit, they did end up liking the food at all the places, and I did see an attempt to engage MD in conversation. But the over all tone of the week long trip really irked me.

I feel like I bent over backwards to accomidate these people and have very little to show for it other than a good case of exhastion and a slight cold.

On the last day, MD took time off to drive them to the airport. We lunched at this wonderful little Italian place in the Lower East Side that specializes in small plates, my favorite way of eating. The Princess and the Guru hardly touched thier food and after awhile MD and I were like "fuck it, we're going to dig in because its good." If you have no opinion about the resturant, then don't get all huffy when you don't like the food.

Granted, MD and I were pushing the drive to the airport a bit. Arriving at 5pm for a 6pm flight is kind of a gamble, but its a gamble New Yorkers seem to take a lot. Traffic was bad, unforseen events such as a miner fender bender occured, and at 5:05 we were still in traffic.

That's when the Guru turned into a cigar smoking daddy warbucks. "We're not going to make this flight, I'll have to find another one." He annouced to a striken MD, who I thought was going to cry. He got on the phone and started balling out some poor flight agent about how he and the Princess can ONLY FLY FIRST CLASS, he simply doesn't fly coach and they must be moved to another first class flight. He's simply too old to run for a plane, and he paid too much money to be treated this way....yada yada.yada....
Poor MD's hands were turning white from gripping the steering wheel and I was so car sick from the traffic I was afraid to move for fear I might puke. It was like a really bad sitcome.
"But dad, the airline people will walk you to the flight if you call and say you're running late."
"I'm too old and paid too much money to run for a flight."

We got them to the airport at 5:20 and at 5:45 the Guru calls to say they are both on the flight, in first class and an agent took them right to the plane.

It was a shitty end to a stressful week.

Did I mention that the Guru thought "The Producors" was to "gay"? I mean christ, those tickets cost MD $300. Its Mel Brooks, what did he expect?!

They mentioned the possibility of coming back, which they are welcome to do. NYC is open to everyone, I however, officially retire from the tour guide buisness. Next time all they get from me is a copy of NFT. I'm done trying to please difficult people.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

My Big Fat Pile of Money



That's right. I'm loaded. Rich. Packing my bags and off to Burmunda to live in the fashion MD and I could very easily become accustomed to.

Well...maybe not.

The Barracuda called me into her office today....with a sharp tone I assumed was the beging of my "firing file" or a strict talking to about team spirit and neggative body language. (I think a fist in someone's face would be neggative, but aparently my crossed legs and tense arms offend people). Instead, she began with her painful, uncomfortable laughter, the kind no one joins her in, and told me how this is a non-profit and salary caps are at 4% (cheap for a nonprofit) and our fisical year had ended. I had thought we were headed to the we can't affoard to pay you would you work for free, portion when the barracuda told me my work was good, but I needed to show "more enthusiasm" in my work. Be more of a team player. Pitch in more, take on other tasks and be happy about it. She then gave me a 2% raise. 2%. I could smell the money in the air.

I went back to my little cube by the typewriter, printer, carbon printer, fax machine and shreder to work out the math.

2% of my salary is about 560 a year. 560 broken down into 12 months is about $47.00. Divide that into bi weekly paychecks and you have about...$10 extra dollars a check. I could almost buy myself dinner once a week on that. I guess MD gets leftovers....of course after taxes.....

It makes you wonder if that 2% is supposed to be my carrot to work with more "enthusiasm" I mean really, who gives a rat's ass if I'm smiling while I work....do they really need that to feel good about thier jobs?

I digress. Lady Charion (Synge's lady, who I am now seeing) tells me that I can break this cycle by treating these people diffrently. Perhaps looking at them with a little more compasion and realizing its all a game, and no one really likes to play it. She ended our session by asking me if I was getting out of this job soon. MD has suggested I take a 2 week paid vacation (which I have) and then coming back in time to quit. I'm contemplating the suggestion.

On the home front:


MD and I are no longer moving to a new apartment. We decided that in the long run, we could affoard a bigger place in a nicer area if we saved some money and really did our homework on places. He feels that "consolidating" is the way to go.

By consolidating he means apartments. Mainly his. That's right....MD is in the process of moving into my little shack in the middle of the Brooklyn Ghetto. At the moment my living room is more like a bedroom and the kichen is more like a closet. As exciting as this is, its still a bit nerve racking and crazy. MD hasn't been able to take time off to do this, so the moving in process has been in aggonizingly slow stages. My apartment looks like a clothing bomb went off.

I complain, but I love coming home to MD everynight. Its the best feeling.

In Other News....


My "parents" are coming to town.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MD is really relaxed about it. He's not Ben Stiller and my dad isn't insain...although he is an ex Navy Seal...and the other half of him is coming, the woman he's close friends with and may or may not be his girlfriend of sorts (its too complex to blog about) I'm still sweating bullets over it.

I want him to love MD. Instantly. I want the immediate stamp of approval, which is complicated because I feel like I don't need it and fuck him if he doesn't like MD. That's the complicated parent/child relationship which is even more complicated because I don't relate to my dad like a kid...we've been "pals" for a very long time and function like peers. I had a bizzare childhood, we'll leave it at that. Lady Charion is still sorting through the mess.

I have a week to show the two of them NYC, Brooklyn, MD, and why I love all of these things. I know that my dad and lady friend will love the things I love and be very laid back, because they are. My dad helped me move the the Upper East Side and always saw the good in any situation. But my life is a lot diffrent now and is going in a direction that doesn't involve him as much. I'm building my own life and family and I feel like the old man feels a bit left out....that's why the lady friend is coming.

(For the sake of typing time, we'll call the folks the Guru and Princess)

I don't know why I'm so bent out of shape about the Guru and Princess's arrival. In the end they are too laid back for it to be drama, and I'm the one creating drama. Could be a classic case of world's colliding. My entire life is in transition and the two of them are dropping in with a ton of luguage (Princess doesn't travel light), a map of NYC and list of destinations (Ground 0, the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty...)

Lets hope I survive the week.