Thursday, April 20, 2006

Stress, blisters, and moving? What is going on?

Its been a strange month so far. Actually, in retrospect, its been a strange year. If you had told me in December that I would have a boyfriend who I was madely in love with, be looking to move in together, planning my future, looking for new jobs and be gaining ground with my writing by April, I would have laughed in your face and offered to eat my shoe.

The shoe wasn't that tastey.

What's that boaring saying? When it rains it pours? Well its true. It's a hurricain, and its all happening at once in the shortest time frame imaginable.

MD and I are planning to move in togther sooner than July. We are both trying to get out of our leases, while looking for new places, as he tries to balance this intense, all consuming job and I search for new ones.

Enter large stress blister in the middle of my lip.

The reason we are putting ourselves through this is for a couple of reasons:

1.) Commuting back and forth between Brooklyn and the Upper West Side is exhasting. I hate leaving the cat and he finds my apartment too noisey, my bed really only fits me. I can't imagine us doing this for 9 more months
2.) My area has become a bit hostile. It could be the shooting that occured next door a few weeks ago, the large groups of restless young men screaming at each other right outside my window; usually at 3am, and the sever lack of police presence at these events. I called my landlord yesterday to inquire about the lease, full of doubt that my area was really THAT bad, when a police car, fire truck and ambulance pulled up outside to investigate a 911 call and some mischief. Point taken, I'm out of there...
3.) MD and I love eachother and want to build a life together, the above is our catalyst.

The timing couldn't be worse. I'm tied up in knots over this job search and time for writing, meanwhile I'm feeding off of MD's stress over his job. Yesterday we had a knock down drag out fight over the phone were I was accusing him of wanting to back out, despite him saying the opposite. It appears as though I momentarily mistook him for my ex-boyfriend. Really, it was me yelling because I was stressed out. Moving is hard. Moving in with someone is harder. Moving when you are super busy is what causes lip blisters. My face is breaking out too.

I know a lot of this has to do with my anal need to have a plan. WHEN are we moving, ARE we out of our leases, can I get a sworn afidavidt that it will happen in July? Were will I be working in July? These are all very unsettling things for me.

Everyone's advice? Relax. Yeah, easy to tell someone else, hard to do.

As always, I will do my best, and plunge forward into tomorrow.

Friday, April 07, 2006

The Realities of Uniformity

There's something I've come to understand about the left wing movement.

Its made of lots of very diffrent people with very diffrent ideas. And they all believe thier idea is going to save this country. They are deeply passionate about these ideas and if we all just....understood thier vision.....we'd save Democracy.

I was a member of this group in the beginning as well, but perspective has brought me around to see a bigger picture, full of very diffrent, beautiful, colorful people.

Uniformity won't work in America. Why? Because we are a country founded by people who rebelled against uniformity, and we've been rebelling ever since.

I understand the dream though, I can see it my head as well. The image of thousands of people rising up, all wearing orange t-shirts or blue. Or pink. The image of thousands of women dressed as suffragists (in very nice costumes) marching down the street. The image of thousands of people in t-shirts with the same sloagan turning thier backs on Bush during the inanauguration. Its a very theatrical vision, one that is viewed in my mind as an arial shot done by a camera, sometimes theme music swells up in the background.

That's the problem.

These are shots made my movies, not reality. To achieve these images you have to have thousands of people willing to do the same thing, with the same clothing at the same time and perhaps someone flying overhead in a helecopter to get a picture of it. That's art, not neccessarily activism.

The second snag in the plan is that there really isn't just one topic to rally around. The Ukranian Revolution and the Philipino revolution had one very solid target. A governement so corrupt that the daily lives of the people were severly affected. The movie V for Vendetta (I liked it, but go see it yourself to decide)used the idea of an extreamly correput government in England, a true police state in every sense of the word. One centeral, undenaible target.

I don't believe that exists in America. There's just so much to chose from its like a smorgesborg of coruption, and to be honest, my daily life hasn't come to a scretching halt by it. For every person starving in the street, there is someone buying a 1.5 million dollar condo in DUMBO. There is unity, but it exists in small groups.

Besides, there's something beautiful about diversity. About seeing people of all walks of life marching together with thier own banners, taking a creative stand on the issue they care about. That's what the left wing movement is made of, and I think its just as theatrically beautiful as a million people marching in blue t-shirts. The movement still has people in it. As long as there are people who march for a better tomorrow, hope exists.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Musings While at Work.........

Oh SDJ, waster of my time, paycheck I recieve only when chained to a computer, why must you suck the life force out of my brain? How shall I quit you SDJ? Shall it be in a ball of flames, lighting bridges out from under me as I go? Shall I announce it from the top of my desk for the entire office to hear?

"I'm done with you, peace out!" I'd scream.

Perhaps I could lump all of my vacation and sick days together until it totals a month, then come back in time to give my two weeks......

What is up with daylight savings? We don't have this in Arizona, and though I have lived in the east for about 7 years, it is still a shock evertime it happens. I woke up very confused on Sunday, waking MD up (yes, I was at MDs) asking him all these upset, half asleep questions.."does your VCR change audiomatically? Fall back, Spring forward, that sounds right, right? Wait, I think my cell changes on its own, yours doesn't, what time is it, why aren't you awake?"

"Its an hour later, so that makes it 8am. Go back to sleep." MD said.

Which brings me to the topic I wasn't going to blog about....

MD and I have gotten very serious. This is coming from the girl, who, if you scroll down the blog postings you'll see once proclaimed that she would adopt cats and be single forever. The fun aunt who plays with the kids and goes home to her single apartment. I never thought I could earn enough money to pay my rent, or save, or even...invest. That sounds so adult. But something strange happend when I turned 26.

I went crazy.

And suddendly started worrying about the future, about a house and kids and loosing baby weight from the baby I haven't had and babies in general and about doing all this with....MD.

He's it. I know this somehow. It doesn't feel false, although I keep questioning it on his end, despite constant reassurances. We talked about marraige, home, kids, the whole nine yards. We were at a resturant in DUMBO and MD said "why don't we just say it." "Fine." I said. "We talking about getting married someday, aren't we?" MD had a pecular reaction. He got a hard on, felt nausuas and could feel his heart beating all at the same time. I took that to mean it was scary and exciting. I myself felt a bit dizzy. We stayed at the table until he could stand up without embarresment and I could find my feet. It was an interesting evening.

I keep looking for the timeline that tells me this isn't moving too fast, or its moving at good pace at least. Were's the book? How do people know these things? MD and I are talking about buying a townhouse in Brooklyn after my lease is up in February. That feels like a good timeline, we'll have been together a good year by then.

My dad and MD have met via email. The great SL2000 dad is somewhat of a finiancial guru to young investors. He's thrilled to impart this information on his daughter and daughter's boyfriend. MD is working as a realestate broker in the hopes of saving up enough for a downpayment without parental help.

This isn't something I would have thought possible 4 months ago. It seemed like such a far off dream, I didn't think it could ever be real or more than fiction I write. I kept having nightmares that it wasn't real, I was afraid to mention it to anyone for fear it would go away....."what more do I have to say to reassure you?" MD asked. Nothing. The problem lies with me, not him. Hopefully the struggle with my doubt will ease up, and I will be able to enjoy the ride, no matter where it leads me...........